Confessions of a Narcissist

To better understand a narcissist, having a look inside their mind can help us better understand the behavior.

Where is the line drawn between being a narcissist and being a positive influence?

I have often wondered this. Like some unseen battle inside my mind.

Nobody likes a narcissist, yet in many ways, aren't we all? I pose this as a serious question.

I realized through the years that I have some strong narcissistic traits and tendencies. However, I do not believe I have all the traits or characteristics, and to the contrary, anyone who knows me can share that I am an empath. Full of a strong love that flows from me. I can read emotions and often feel what those around me are going through, sometimes on a personal level or without speech. How can we share good news and influence others to be their best, without becoming narcissists?

It is easy to see everywhere today that many people are so caught up in their looks, their clothes, and how people perceive them that it is quite common to see severe narcissism daily.

Is this not how we have been raised and now pass on to our children?

When I began writing, I discovered that I had a way to connect with people through emotions. More importantly, what I found was that some people could relate and even thanked me for helping them. I have had strangers and coworkers reach out and let me know that my work inspired them to pick up a notebook again and write. We all have stories locked away, and writing can be a healing and liberating way of self-expression.

 I have been a light for many, sometimes strangers, whom I will never even meet. I feel that some of my stories may be horrible, or long and boring, while others can be powerful and elicit strong emotions. Through the power of words and the internet, I have received letters from many places, such as Sri Lanka, Egypt, the Philippines, and even the White House.

Yet when I share this, does it not come across as bragging, as narcissistic?

I began to notice a certain level of achievement in my own mind with that ability to help others. This led to a sense of self-importance, which brought negative feelings of arrogance and the realization of narcissistic traits, along with positive feelings of accomplishment and self-worth.

So I ask again, where is the line drawn between being a narcissist and an influence?

The more positive feedback I receive, the more I want to share back into the world. The more I share back, the more I feel like a braggart or narcissist.

Some people may view me as conceited or insecure because I often share my accomplishments. I do so to inspire others. That's because I have learned it can and does inspire and give hope.

I have felt the sting of losing friends as we all have, maybe more so in the background or because of this. I have found that mostly in life, I stand alone. Not because I am better than anyone else, but to the contrary, I have always felt less than, which is yet another trait. I have watched friends and family with long, successful jobs and marriages who drive nice cars, all from the shadows of failures and shortcomings.

Human beings are social by nature, and we crave approval and affirmation. It drives us as a human race to be our best; without it, we often feel lost or forgotten.

Just last month, I reached a landmark at work with my fifth anniversary. I was happy and excited until I noticed that I was left off the wall, and no one after the 17th was posted. How could that happen? They posted half the month? No big deal I said and brushed it off, although it bothered me every time I passed it. In those five years, I have worked very hard to be the best employee I could be and guide others who come to me for assistance. Because I care, I'm reliable and have a strong work ethic, and so this hit me personally. Then the day came, and I was very disappointed to see and, more importantly, feel that no one noticed. Not one person. That whole day, this saddened me more as the day went on. The next day was depression, and I found I could not stop thinking about it; then the third day it turned to anger and eventually faded to bitterness. Only those who asked me "what's wrong" and sensed my depression knew. Yes, I vented. I now felt like I'm just a number on a check or a name on a schedule. After that third day, the fourth to be exact, I received my letter from the president, and my depression lifted because of that. On the 11th day, HR called me back to finally acknowledge and apologize for missing it. What I understood is that A.I. is taking away from personal interaction, which is vital in business. New programs and constant updates create a huge void in the hands-on, day-to-day operations. When I published my coloring book and was so proud to get it posted and available to our customers online, only a few were happy for me. No one offered to help me figure out how to get it on the store shelves or who to contact. When I flagged down the store manager, he told me to call a number that I soon found out was out of service. Then said this is what I would tell anybody, as he kept walking away, a blanket statement. I even ordered and paid for a free copy to give him to review, but he never stopped long enough to receive it. "Anybody", like really, how many employees get something they created available online? I've received no help with this still. I felt like it was an accomplishment my company would be proud of, but it wasn't. I've emailed corporate twice with no reply at all. So this only added to me already having one foot out the door. Yet they try to understand why they have a high turnover rate. I'm bitter, now more than ever. Even a little praise goes a long way, but not if it is generalized or a blanket statement like we often get. If I think you are a good worker, I will go out of my way to tell you.

So, should I not be upset, and is this just me being selfish to think I deserved recognition for reaching five years? If this had happened in any other year, I wouldn't have cared as much, but this was a 5-year benchmark. It really hurt and bothered me, and it does still. I know I am appreciated, but this has nothing to do with that.

With all this self-reflection and feelings of depression and narcissism, I decided to write this article. Is narcissism really a label we place on people, or is it just another way to divide us? Instead of seeing people as narcissistic, we should see their underlying issues. I think that begins with awareness and understanding. There are evil, selfish, arrogant, and downright horrible human beings all around us. With better child raising and training today, there is hope for a brighter future. Narcissism starts and ends at home. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what you can do for your God and Country to begin your day. If you live with a narcissist, how can you better understand or help them? If you are a narcissist, how can you use that to become a positive influence instead of a negative one? Kindness will spread, just like the harmful self-worship has. I believe that narcissism is not a disorder like we are taught, but rather a product of education. Children emulate, absorb, and become like those they trust and admire; toxic traits are learned behavior in many cases. I believe that love for others is one of the most important things to teach a child or learn yourself. Some may see me as a narcissist, others may see me as a light. I see myself as an imperfect child of God, trying to survive on this spinning ball of life in an unforgiving, very self-centered world.

Yes, I am a narcissist, and I'm ok with that, because I ask, "In some ways, aren't we all?"